This Just In...

It's me again. 

I can't believe I haven't been by here since January!  Actually, I can believe it.  As you know my miscarriage last year stabbed me in the face and then poured salt into my wounds.  However, there was a shocking turn of events.

After the D&C and genetic testing, we decided we would try again for a baby.  We listened to the doc, waited a cycle, and BAM!  We were pregnant again!  Yes, that fast.  Fertile Myrtle is in da house.

This second pregnancy sent me into a massive hibernation.  I had no morning sickness or stretch marks or roids or any nasty side effects but in exchange I had severe fatigue.  Oh, and a massive attack of cankles and elephantitis of the face.  This entire year my life has been work Monday - Friday, go to sleep as soon as possible, and hibernate every weekend; hence, my absence.

So here I am months later as a Mutha Mommy to a beautiful, healthy baby girl!!!

Can you believe it?

I can't.  It doesn't seem real. I'm shocked the hospital let us take her home.  In less than a year to go from mad depression over the loss of our son to the happiest moment of my life with the birth of our daughter is crazy.

Life. Is. Good.

Closure

As the days passed by of cramping and bleeding for 3 weeks and passing clots and constantly being reminded of what had happened every single time I went to the bathroom, life went on.

We went in for a follow up visit and received the results from the genetic testing of the baby. 

It was a boy.

He measured exactly 9 weeks so his little heart must have stopped the day I went in for the ultrasound.

The results stated that he had a Robertsonian Translocation, trisomy 21, Down Syndrome.  In the majority of Down's babies, one would see 47 chromosomes instead of 46.  There would be 3 chromosomes under the 21st.  Not our little boy.  This was a very rare situation.

His chromosome pattern showed 46 chromosomes, but apparently a piece of a chromosome attached to another to create the translocation.

There was a possibility it was genetic, that me or Huzb were carriers or it was a total fluke during cell division.  We decided we would go through genetic testing as well before trying to conceive again.

The waiting was brutal.  The doctor called me at work a few weeks later, and I wanted to know the news but at the same time didn't.

Finally, good news.  Huzb and I were not carriers.  I just knew one of us would be even though there is no record of Down's in either of our families.

With this wonderful news, we were advised to wait until I had at least one normal menstrual cycle, and then we had a green light to start trying again as soon as we were emotionally ready.

The closure began when we received the results.  Knowing that there was nothing I did or didn't do to cause the miscarriage.  Knowing what was wrong with our son.  Knowing that there was still hope.

Good Bye

The news that we lost the baby was mindblowing to say the least.  Sadness and grief immediately hit Huzb.  I was more in a state of shock.  It wasn't happening.

The doctor said we'll get a second opinion just in case, and they immediately took me to the room with the super dopplar ultrasound connected to millions of plasma TV screens as I prepared to be molested by the vag wand once again.

Huzb watched the screen intently, and I just stared at the ceiling.  After about twenty minutes and thousands of pictures taken of my vag from every possible angle, the news was sadly confirmed.

We were given our options, told to go home and grieve, and escorted out the back door.

Rage hit me on the way home.

Anger and hysterical crying hit me at home.

The absolute worst feeling is knowing that you have a dead body inside of you.  The feeling of being a graveyard was unbearable.

Instantly, all of my pregnancy symptoms were gone.  I just wanted the baby out of me, but at the same time I didn't.  I wanted to hold on to it.

The next day I was admitted into the hospital for a D&C.  As my luck would have it as I was registering, here comes a new mom with her bundle of joy being wheeled out of the hospital.  It killed me.

I wanted to die.  I would have given anything for our baby to be alive and for my heart to have quit beating.  It just didn't make sense.

I could have won an Oscar for my pre and post surgery experience.  I remember being prepped and crying my eyes out.  The nurses would ask me what procedure I was having, and I would respond with, "I don't even want to say."

Two of the nurses consoled me and shared with me their stories of miscarriage.  And before I knew it, I was out like a light and waking up in a complete fog.

The hysterics began again as they wheeled me back into my room.  My baby was gone.  How could I ever heal from this?

Why?

My last post was September 18.  So much has happened in such a short amount of time.  Where to begin?

September 2010 was a roller coaster ride to say the least.  Happy news = baby.  Sad news = Huzb lost his job.  Perfect timing, huh?  We were down in the dumps, but the baby brought us such excitement. 

We had our first visit to the doctor on September 17.  All of my doctor fears and especially vag docs were thrown out the window.  This was the first exciting visit to the doctor of my life. 

The most amazing thing I had ever seen was this little, fast flickering of a heartbeat.  It was magical.  I didn't even faint like usual when they drew a few gallons of blood from me.  All I could think about was this life inside of me.

Everything looked great.  I just knew the doctor would find something wrong with me, but surprisingly I was healthy and baby was healthy. 

I quit smoking as soon as Mr. Clearblue Easy told me I was pregnant.  I gave up my caffeine.  I swallowed my daily horse pills.  I went off Ativan and onto a pregnancy-safe anxiety med before we conceived.  Sacrifice after sacrifice.

And nothing mattered.  Except for this little bean growing inside of me.

Our next visit to the doctor was September 30.  Baby was 9 weeks and 1 day.  Huzb met me at the doctor's office for what we thought was just a check-up, tests, but no ultrasound.

When they told us they were going to do an ultrasound, we were pumped.  We couldn't wait to see our little bean again.  Huzb said he wanted to buy an ultrasound machine just so he could see our little bean whenever he wanted.

The lights dimmed.

The magic television was turned on.

There was baby.

Baby was bigger.

Where's my little flicker?

Doctor's face was worried.

Huzb's face was confused.

Back and forth.  Back and forth.

TV screen.

Doctor's face.

Huzb's face.

TV screen.

Doctor's face.

Huzb's face.

The doctor finally spoke.

"I'm so sorry.  I can't find a heartbeat.  I am so sorry."

The Day Life Changed as I Knew It

August 21, 2010

I wouldn't even say the test line was faint.  I kept moving the test around like some kind of hologram and sometimes I could see a slight line or my brain made one up.

August 22, 2010

Peeing on sticks and in cups was kind of fun and addicting in some strange way so I decided to try it again the following morning on another Dollar Tree cheapie.  Faint, faint, fainty-faint line.  Hmmmm.  Huzb told me, "Those cheap tests are a crap shoot. You might as well just ask a magic 8 ball." 

I had a feeling.  I just knew. 

That afternoon I bought a Clearblue Easy Digital pregnancy test.  The one that says "Pregnant" or "Not Pregnant".  Instantly, the pee stick told me...

I was in such shock I couldn't even come up with a cool, creative way to tell Huzb.  I just put the stick behind my back and told him to close his eyes and open his hands.  I told him I had a present for him but didn't have a chance to wrap it.

As he closed his eyes and held his hands open, I placed the little magic stick into his hands.  When he opened his eyes, he looked down then looked at me.  Tears started welling up into his eyes and he said, "Is this real?"

I nodded my head "yes" and said, "Congratulations, you're going to be a daddy."

I. Hate. September. Fourth.

Today is the anniversary of the worst day of my life.

Whoever Knew Peeing Could Make Smiles?

Being a charting/temping failure, I needed something easy...something simple...something black and white.  Concrete evidence.  No guess work.  So I splurged and bought the Clearblue Easy One Month Digital Ovulation Test.

I can tell the difference between an empty circle and a smiley face.  This has to be idiot-proof.

On 8/5/10, CD 5, I knew it was way early, but I had no clue when I ovulated.  I started my morning ritual of peeing and praying for smiles.  Obviously, the stick didn't smile at me.  Stick didn't smile at me the following day either.

8/6/10 was a Friday, I knew my golden egg would have to drop down the Eggdicator the next week.  So I thought it was time to dust the ol' girl off and start Baby Dancing.

This would just be a warm-up to release the old, decrepit spermies in order to have fresh spermies next week.  On my way home from work I sent Huzb a text, "We need to send in the first string of running backs to prepare for the Hail Mary pass."

We had relations, weird relations.  It's just so different to have relations in order to make a human being.

Still no smiles from Mr. Stick.

From reading forums, I learned of this magical potion called Preseed.  I told Huzb to swing by a CVS and pick up some pronto.  Lawd knows, I need all the help I can get.

The Preseed was a little awkward.  I had no clue it was a Vag syringe.  Whateva.  You gotta do whatcha gotta do.

8/8/10 was the date of the second Baby Dance.  Still no smiles, but it had to be getting close.

Then, the morning of 8/9/10....Mr. Stick decided to smile.  I started shaking.  This thing actually works?!?!?!

That night, I shot up Vag with the Miracle Grow baby fertilizer juice and commenced with baby making.  I highly recommend Preseed.  When you have to do the dance often, it definitely helps!  Huzb's opinion:  He would kill me for saying this, but I have to.  It's too darn funny.

After our BD session, he looked down at his pubes and said, "Oh. My. God. My pubes are Jheri Curled!"

I continued my routine of pillow under the butt, legs in the air for twenty minutes, and a game or two of Sudoku on my Blackberry for 20 minutes.

The following day I did not do an OPK test, but I knew it was a crucial day in the world of baby making.  When I returned home from work that evening, ready to get my freak on.  Huzb was freaked out.

Huzb lost his job.  His company let go of his entire department.  He was not in the mood to do anything, no desire to even knock da boots.

That night as we watched television, I felt my golden egg start moving.  The ovulation cramps kicked in, and I laid on the couch sad and frustrated.  There was nothing I could do but hope some of the spermies were still partying inside of me.

There's always next month right?